UN-Dateable: Vol. 3

I am single. I am no longer in the committed, loving relationship I was in for almost 3 years. In respect to my ex-partner this post is not about the dissolution of that relationship. This is about the aftermath, the process many of us women go through after heartbreak. To be clear, we ended things mutually and on good terms...as good as any ending can be. I truly thought this was the last relationship I was going to be in. To say breaking the habits of a 3 year partnership was difficult, is a vast understatement. In the beginning, it was trying to not pick up the phone a call his number. It was the weekends not filled with our plans. The future, not composed of our intentions. All of that was over, and that was hard to get used to. I'll be the first to admit I've got some severe abandonment issues. My defense mechanism is usually not to let anyone too close. If they're not "in" then I won't be disappointed when they leave. If this experience has taught me anything, it is that my biggest fear happened, and yet, I survived. I continued on. Some days, tearfully but I nonetheless, faced my days the best I could. After that phase, it was telling the people around me. From my friends and family, to my hairdresser. You take for granted the people who wish you well, even from afar. Friends truly showed me the meaning of real sisterhood. Showing up with wine and flowers, letting me cry on their shoulders. Cooking me dinner and making me laugh for the first time in days, reminding me how well they truly knew me. These girls texted or messaged me every single day and listened to every self indulgent thought that came across my mind. It was beautiful and selfless of all of them. I've got a great group of women supporting me. Then my parents, my heroes. Came to my aid, immediately when I got my wisdom teeth out and didn't have anyone to pick me up and care for me. Took me on a sorrowful Valentine's day dinner, a really hard day for me after all this. They continue to embody the meaning of unconditional love. Without them, I would be nothing. Without my mother, I'd crumble and that's a fact. After that phase, I started to push myself to get out in the dating world. It was probably way too soon, but I felt that I had to get it over with or something. I was thoroughly annoyed with myself crying all the damn time. I did not want to be at home crying every night. So instead, I downloaded dating apps and got out there. I cringed at the constant parade of shirtless pics. The guys' profiles all begin to look the same. *"Let's get drinks!" "Not looking for anything serious" "Let's see where this goes!"* Here's the game ladies, take a shot every time you see these lines on a tinder profile. Okay, don't. You'd die and I don't want that on my conscience. 

Dating today is different, even so than from 3 years ago. Remember when we used to declare a man a "jerk" when they wouldn't call a woman back after a date? Or how a one night stand was so scandalous, people would often ask it in a game of never have I ever? Well, now everyone is Joey Tribbiani. We all ghost someone after an awkward date, or truthfully even a good one. We disappear because we don't want to face the truth that we're all out here not knowing what the heck we're doing. None of us know what we're really looking for. Either too badly bruised from our last relationships or too busy searching for the "better fit". Even when you have a great time with someone, you tend to start to find the flaws and bail. I've gone on more dates than I've ever gone on before. All kinds of men, that aren't typically "my type". I entertain my friends with the stories of my escapades with them and probably shock them with my carelessness about the situations at hand. And while my behavior is not my typical behavior or normal for me, I feel more like myself at this moment than I have in a very long time. Through this process I've reached a new level of confidence. Something that has nothing really to do with my physical appearance, but more to do with the fact that I am getting closer and closer to not giving a f what anyone thinks. I spent so much time in the past worrying about people's perceptions of me. Men's perceptions of me and what that meant. On one date I was faced with the fact that we had absolutely nothing in common. I listed off my disinterest in things like beer, sports, action movies, and camping. The date asked me if I was sure I was attracted to men. He could not fathom that because my interests were mostly feminine and the media I consumed was female-centric, I could not possibly be attracted to men. I laughed it off, and I know he meant it jokingly but it got me to thinking. Why should I or any other woman apologize for what they truly love or are interested in? I love movies about women who are strong, funny and powerful. I love art that is inspiring to me. Music by angry female artists with lots to say. I love to drink wine while listening to Wes Montgomery. And if you're looking for me to apologize for this, then you should probably find a hobby that keeps you busy, because that will not happen. I'd rather be alone than pretend to be someone I'm not. I've been loved before and I'll be loved again, for exactly who I am. This constantly evolving, artistic, strong willed woman I am and I am becoming. 

Thanks for reading...