It's been a little while since I've written, I apologize. Last we spoke I had just had my surgery and was on the path to recovery. The holidays came and went and here we are almost done with the second month of the year. To be completely honest, it's been difficult for me. I feel as if I'm in a slump. Last year was rough, it was 9 months of chronic pain, and the rest of the time was spent worrying if I was going to be in pain again soon. My body is not 100% yet, and I've put on about 7 pounds since the surgery and holidays. My motivation to be active is not what it used to be. These things combined, with of course,normal day to day life has my anxiety is up.
When I'm really stressed, I sleep walk. Well, I'm not sure I can even call it sleep walking, it's more like waking up at 4 a.m. every night like clockwork and standing up beside my bed for 10 seconds, then realizing I'm standing and go back to sleep. What do you call that? Creepy. That's what you call it. I'm glad I live alone. I also pick at my skin around my fingernails, the cuticles and beyond to the point where it's painful. I'm sure the sequence of events over the passed year have definitely contributed to the anxiety. But what's next? I would consider myself a very optimistic person and I'm trying to keep that habit to be positive about the future, without hope what would we do. I'm trying to take steps to force myself out the shell I've made for myself. There's a comfort in your own solitude an wallowing a bit in your own self pity, but at the end of the day those create bad habits for a life, I'm not looking to create for myself. I am determined to make things better. I'm going to see my best friend soon, and taking a trip I had to postpone because of my health last year. I've worked hard to set aside some money to take this trip and I hope it well help reset my focus on getting healthy in every way. Physically and mentally. I honestly, did not realize I struggled with anxiety until the health issues started. Maybe they were already there and then intensified, I'm not sure but now that I'm aware its as if it there's a name to the beast. Name it, then destroy it. I keep these things inside most of time as I don't want to make my misery anyone else's problem.
What I've realized is I couldn't of made it through last year with the support of my loved ones and truly with all the readers here. I'm sure the majority of the readers are friends, family and acquaintances which is amazing. The fact that anyone cares to read what I have to say somehow makes sharing your deep dark secrets, not as intimidating as it may seem. I had women reach out to me and share their struggles which was so meaningful. We all have dark days, dark weeks, months and maybe even years. There are some periods of our lives that are really dark, either by chemical imbalances or by the reality that faces us or both. It's how we chose to deal with said reality and decide if we want a change. And the reality is, I have a lot to be thankful for and hopeful for. I'll continue to take the steps to improve myself and hopefully, this slump will soon be over.
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