UN-DATEABLE Vol.2

A few years ago I ended a 10 year friendship with someone. This person was a staple in my life, we were, at one point, inseparable. There's no denying we had chemistry and a connection even we could not explain. I met him when I was 15 and we instantly became friends. Often, people would question if we were dating, and we prided ourselves on telling them no, we were just great friends. He knew my family and became friends with all of my friends. Eventually, we did cross the friendship boundary and everything changed. We held on as long as possible and tried to convince ourselves we could continue the friendship, but nothing was ever the same. The friendship strained along for many more years. We lived in different cities so it wasn't hard to disconnect occasionally, but when we would reconnect we fell in to old habits. I will say, I think a big part of it for me was I liked who I was when I was around him. I felt more fun, more relaxed and free. There was definitely some heavy drinking involved in our friendship and some partying. However, we also bonded over music. I'd share my latest obsession and it would quickly become his. Ultimately, as some things do, the friendship began to fall apart. What happened is not really important, and not the point of this story, but our friendship ended. Abruptly. We stopped talking to each other and never saw each other again...until one day. 

It had been almost a year to the day, ( I remember this because when we stopped talking it was approaching his birthday), that I had a dream of him. I don't quite remember the dream exactly, but I remember him introducing me to a new girlfriend. I woke up feeling weird, as I had not dreamed, or even really thought, of this person in so long. I just shrugged it off and went to work. At work, I told my co-workers I wanted some Tex-Mex. I wanted some from a particular restaurant I NEVER go to. I don't know why, but I had the strongest craving for this specific restaurant.  Everyone at work was in, and asked me to place the order and I agreed, I'd pick it up. It wasn't even convenient to the office, but we were all excited. I called the place and someone picked up to take my order, and their name was the same name of my old friend, and sounded like him too. My stomach dropped, and after placing the order I told my coworker what I just heard. I told her about the dream, as well and we just decided it must be that he was on my mind. I convinced myself, there was no way it could be him, so I gathered my things and drove to pick up the food. The whole drive there, I kept wondering, could it of really of been him? "There's no way", I told myself. As I approached the restaurant my heart started to beat faster and more heavily. I reached the door, and lo and behold, there he was. His mouth dropped and eyes bulged. I probably didn't look as shocked as he did as I was half preparing myself for that very moment on the drive over. He was literally the attendee in which I needed to pick up my food from so he could not of been avoided. We said "Hi", and "How are you doing?". He stared at me with his head resting on his hand. My hand was trembling, as I was trying to sign the receipt. He promptly asked me, "Do you feel awkward?" My response was a cold, "Yes." He responded by saying " Don't feel awkward, we're cool". He told me he is loving living in Austin now and that he is thinking of starting a band, something we always joked we'd do. I just looked at him and said "that's cool". I won't lie, I was angry at the way things left off, I was genuinely hurt and heartbroken. I probably came off so rude and aloof, but I couldn't wait to leave. We just looked at each other and said goodbye. We both understood, that we had no intentions of reconnecting. I collected my things, and myself and drove off.

I could not wait to return to work to tell my co worker, what had just happened. I walked in, and announced, "Well, Guess What!?". I remember as trying to tell her the story, dropping my keys twice on the floor. Still in disbelief, I called my best friend who knew everything about the situation, and at one point friends with him as well. I knew she would fully comprehend how insane this was. I recall her saying that it was probably closure. I laughed, and said that "That was the worst f-ing closure story, ever. 'Do you feel awkward' is all I get after 10 years?!" She persisted that regardless of the quality of closure, this was probably a good thing for both of us. I did tell her, that I didn't feel anything when I saw him, other than anger, but as far as feelings, those were gone. 

Looking back, my friend was right. It was closure. It wasn't perfect, and not something you see in a romantic comedy, but it was closure, whatever that means. As crazy as it was, almost a year to the day that we last spoke, we happened to run in to each other and face one another, with no intent of seeing each other again, and have not since. A couple months later, I pushed myself to date again and I got into the relationship I am in now. I truly believe, it was the push I needed to completely move on and let go of that phase in my life. I'm no longer angry, and only wish him the best. What's for damn sure, is that I NEVER went to that restaurant again. 

What are your thoughts on closure, is it healthy or not? Share below! 

Focus on Healing

After the surgery, I am left to heal. To take time off from work, from responsibilities and focus solely on healing. This time I am filled with hope, and with such good reason. My mom spent the last few days caring for me and making sure I had food to last me while I'm off. I will now have the time to focus on me and my health. It feels like a new beginning. I plan to read, and write and work on this blog. I always feel the best way to allow yourself to feel better is to make yourself get out of bed, put some make up on and soak in some sun. It truly does wonders for your spirit. 

Get The Look : Dress (Similar) ASOS, Hoop Earrings (Similar)  Lulu's 

Thank you to all for your well wishes. I am feeling well and getting plenty of rest. My birthday is quickly approaching and I'm hoping to be better and healed by then! Hope to celebrate with you all :) 

As always, thank you for reading. 

Excision of Bartholin's Gland

As many of you know this year has been a series of surgeries, doctor's visits and painful episodes due to my Bartholin's cysts/abscesses. I finally made the difficult decision to remove the gland entirely with the careful direction of my doctors. A decision I hope will be the beginning of regulating my life again. In the last 9 months, I've had 5-6 cysts that quickly progress to large abscesses, two of which were removed surgically, the rest drained in office. After surgeries and drainings, comes the painful recovery times. Packing and catheters and invasive doctor's visits. Being made to feel, that maybe my pain threshold is lower than most, while being cut open over and over again, in the most tender area of a woman's body. It's been quite the journey, and one I hope is quickly coming to an end. 

Today, I'm sore and already sick of lying in bed. I'm so thankful for my mother who has been by my side through it all. Driving from Houston to Austin at 5 a.m. because I call her hysterical in the most unimaginable pain. Finally dragging me to the Emergency Room at 3 in the morning, after I'm bleeding everywhere unable to open my legs wide enough to enter my shower. Forcing me to eat when all I wanted to do was feel sorry for myself in my bed,wondering if I will ever be able to maintain a normal life again. She is truly the most selfless human being on this Earth and without her, I would of never of made it through this time in my life. I'm also lucky to be in a relationship with someone who has been so understanding and patient through this process. He's witnessed the horrific agony I have been in, and assured me I would see the other side. Without, my friends and family's support this would have been far more difficult. ( Even my mom's furry friend has been here every step of the way) 

 I feel hopeful,today. My doctors feel that this will drastically lower my risk of ever having another abscess or cyst again. It was a bold move,but necessary. It will not risk my chance of having children, if I decide to do so in the future. Women have two bartholin's glands, so removing one will still allow the other to do what it was meant to do. I've visited all my doctors and I am getting healthy again. I've made changes to my diet, my routine and necessary arrangements to my every day life to do anything and everything I can to make myself healthy again. To anyone experiencing this or any silent health battle, I hope you know you are not alone. Do not allow anyone make you feel like your pain is not real or you are exaggerating. Take control of your life, make the changes needed, TRY ANYTHING. Make educated decisions based on your own research and that of your trusted doctors. Women are so resilient and strong and our bodies are amazing and we can heal through the most extreme experiences. Trust your instincts, if something is wrong, you know your body more than anyone. Make and take notes, the sooner you notice something wrong, the sooner you can fix it and prevent it from getting worse. I'll keep you posted on my journey to healing. I will be home for the next two weeks, in order to allow my body to fully heal. Encouragement and prayers are much appreciated. As always, thank you for reading. 

UN-DATEABLE: Vol 1

I've been told many of times, that I should write a book about my dating antics. Truth be told, I don't think my truly, worthy relationships are all that interesting. Normal love stories, and relationships quirks, but perhaps the moments in between, the nothings, the almost somethings, and the 'oh I didn't remember that thing' things, maybe, those are pretty interesting. There are some Men that are great, stand up guys, but there are A LOT, and I mean a lot that, at least when it comes to women, fail. Some decisions they make that have so many of us women, scratching our heads. Trust me, we talk to each other. We agree in census that some things you do are less than smart when it comes to love. I always say I have so many, amazing, beautiful, smart friends and family members who are women but my list of amazing, handsome, smart guys is far more scarce. However, to be completely fair not a lot of straight men relate to me on a personal level. They find me intimidating, and unrelatable. Perhaps, my obsession with Bravo and french fashion is to blame. That and my utter dis-interest in sports, action movies or beer.

I was recently asked, what my worst dating experience was. I know that answer, I think it was probably one of the worst dates in history. I'd actually hardly consider it a date, but here it goes. My dear friend was dating a guy, I really didn't care for, but she was crazy about him at the time. He and his friend met us at a movie...coincidentally. I think it was a set up, but they never owned up to that part. He was thin, with thick hair with a really big, gleaming smile. He sat right next to me in the movie theater and kept trying to talk to me during the movie. He'd lean in close, and his breath reeked. I can't really remember the movie, but I know it wasn't really something I was all that interested to see. I was so uncomfortable,but I didn't want to be rude. I just kept my distance and wished for the movie to end. I believe the guys decided it would be fun to go mini golfing the next day. I probably, regrettably, gave my number to (who one of my friends, later referred to as 'Pauly D',because of his hair style) and the plans stood for the next day. My friend tried to convince me it would be fun, and even at my age (at the time 21) I knew, I didn't like to put myself in situations that made me uncomfortable. I'm a people pleaser through and through, so I went. We started innocent enough playing golf, which I find very boring but we were having an okay time. Apparently this place was BYOB, what a novel idea right? The guys drank and drank, and at some point must of done something harder than alcohol. They were being belligerent and loud and annoying. My friend kept looking to me, knowing I was miserable and didn't know what to do. There was a McDonald's next store, that the guys insisted on going. I don't want to sound like a snob, but really, a first date and you're taking a girl to McDonald's? We walked over, and it became clear we weren't there for some chicken nuggets, apparently they were there to meet a dealer. Yup, a drug dealer. I was over it, and my face sunk I wanted out of the situation but they drove me there. "Pauly D", as I will now refer to him int this story, seemed annoyed with me. I often become "the high maintenance" type to guys who don't understand me. I think that's a reflection on their own insecurities, but that's another story for another time. I'm pretty sure, I made it clear I wanted to go, I don't think it was even 8'o clock yet. I lived way North, and we were very south, I didn't really care if it was inconvenient for them, I wanted to go home."Pauly D" was drunk and high, and started calling his ex-girlfriend on the drive home, in a pathetic attempt to make me mad. Oh, forgot to mention this was 10 minutes after he rested his head on my shoulder while dosing off. I pushed his gel saturated, head off of my shoulder and his response was "Oh, my bad". Then, he called his ex-girlfriend. I finally got home and scrubbed the night off of me. The next day he texted me saying that they went to his ex's for more drinks and sorry I didn't have a good time. I asked him to not text me anymore and he responded by saying I owed them $10 for gas. I said, sure "I'll mail you a check", then "ghosted" him, meaning, ignored every attempt to converse with me, for the next 6 months as "What's up?" texts and messages populated my phone. I have a pretty low threshold for non-sense even from a pretty young age. It's comical to me now, and definitely my worst date ever. Stay Tuned for more dating antics in the future. Comment below with your worst date stories, I know we all have them!